This was not to be a bad day but a comical moment only the blind could serve up. Our pre-season training day was on the way with our group given the task of practicing our approach shots, “great” I thought, I liked this task. So to set the scene we were 70 yards from the green, six of us spread across the fairway ready to hit our approach shots with a bucket of golf balls by our side. Many shots went by and my swing was not right coming off the toe, I was about to say to my wife to call over the golf-pro to see if he could help me fix the problem when I heard him beside me with the next golfer.
The next shot I took was one I still laugh out loud about to this day… The pro was barking orders to the near deaf blind golfer to my right and I was soon to find out was about 5 yards in front of me – a silly position around blind golfers. Next came my poor swing, thrusting towards to ball once again to come off the toe of the club only this time to land right in the centre of the shoulder blades of the poor coach. He of course yelped out “OUCHHH” in pain followed by a delayed scream from my almost unbelieving wife “ARGHH, BILLY! YOU HIT THE COACH!” I replied “Oops sorry, bit of a slice”. The coach, both wounded and pissed off said “let’s fix your slice”, though I thought it was a perfect fade... I did buy the coach a drink later; I think it was a gin and tonic with ice and SLICE.
The comedy followed on at meal time, which at a blind event is always a recipe for disaster. So, picture this.. 40 blind men and ladies in a restaurant with their guide dogs having a pre meal glass of wine, music playing softly in the back ground, conversation polite, sounds lovely doesn’t it? Well... out come the starters which just so happens to be chicken wings with dip. Now at home I’m almost certain everyone would behave in an animalistic way and avoid the cutlery at all costs but as it was a posh restaurant we did make an attempt at least. Well my first attempt at cutting the meat resulted in the wings flying off the table onto the lap of a female guide in a light coloured dress... Oops. This was followed by more of the same making it look as the birds were flying off for the summer. After realising we were all struggling we decided to go medieval and rip the remains of the meat off with our hands and just took a guess at what dip we might like.. and where on earth on the table it might be.
Next came the main meal, rib eyed… yes rib eyed beef.. with slow new potatoes and veg.. Now I like vegetables as much as the next guy but garden peas? Garden f***ing peas for a bunch of blind people? I knew this was going to be a game and a half of chase the bleeding peas.
And so it went, 40 blind men and women chasing garden peas around their plates, you might as well have given us soup with chopsticks! They say a dog is man’s best friend, even more so when it’s a guide dog, I’m not bloody surprised when they get to sit below a table of blind people! They proceeded to get a full roast dinner with meat, potatoes and those bloody garden peas, roaming around under the table hovering up everything we had managed to drop. All they needed was a little gravy... which normally is not far away.
After the dogs had enjoyed a lovely meal and we all sat there starving hungry still, the option now is to intake beer and wine on an empty stomach. Everyone knows alcohol gets the conversation flowing but given that we have no idea if anyone is listening or talking to you, or if there is even anyone beside you.. it tends to end up a very loud room with people babbling on anyway in the hope someone might reply and hold a conversation. When you’re head hurts enough, its then time for bed though you can never get straight off to sleep... you tend to be up and down answering the door to other blind people who are banging on your door thinking it’s their own room. It’s usually a game of “guess the floor” when you are in the lift and pot luck if you get to right room. Normally you end up being told several times, “you’re downstairs”, “you’re on the other side of the hall” “no yours in the room next door” ... I only wanted some kip not a bloody treasure hunt!
All in all…the golf would be good and the season is on its way there….
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